All week, once I'd made the decision to come to Tennessee, the panic had been building. "I cannot go back inside that house" kept playing over and over in my mind.
Today, I went back into that house, and in less than two hours had my car completely filled. And I had only worked in one room.
This is more than I can do. I cannot do it alone, but even if there were a team of movers somewhere waiting for my call, I have no way to pay them. And where are they going to take everything? We don't have room in the house in Athens for even a sixth of this stuff.
So I found myself sitting in Daddy's room, sweating and sobbing, and begging him and Mama to forgive me. I wasn't doing anything right by them, and I was so sorry. I couldn't do all the things that had to be done, and I was so sorry. I knew they were angry with my, and disappointed, and hurt, and I was so sorry. It is just too much. And I am so, so sorry.
2 comments:
Why would they be angry with you? For one thing, everything you've said about your father tells me that he would be the last person on earth who would want you in this space. For another, it's all stuff now.
Stuff that has memories wrapped up in them but stuff nonetheless. Keep a thing or two that means the most to you but otherwise? Call GotJunk or someplace like that and let them take it and recycle it. (You have to pay them but you don't have to find somewhere to put it).
It was the same for me and recent enough to still cry over it all. Know that you CANNOT disappoint them. They only look at you with love and would NOT want you to be upset, stifled or feel so much guilt that you can't breathe. It is only stuff. Let it go. You have to. {{{Hugs}}}
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