Insert Needle A Into Body K

Going to an acupuncturist in the morning.  (Why isn't that spelled "accupuncture"?  Seems more accurate.)  Decided to try some other possible remedies for my anxiety/stress/depression and my headaches.  I've no fear of needles, so that isn't a problem.  I do wonder, though, what the feeling will be like as the energy begins to move around.  There's a whole lot of bad stuff stored up in this body, and I just wonder what it's going to feel like when someone tries to take it out.

I just have to do something.  Spinning in place has gotten old.  And Briton is convinced I'm suicidal again.  All I want to do is stay in bed and sleep, which has always been, as I'm sure I've said dozens of times here already, my Worrisome Sign.

So, we'll give that a whirl tomorrow.  'Til then, Rifftrax and Noro silk:

Newtown

I am 52 years old, and have experienced my share of sadness.  But what happened yesterday in Connecticut has me, for the first time ever, wondering about and questioning God.

It's been a long time since my two children were in Kindergarten.  Those two first days, however, are very clear in my mind.  After I left them in their classrooms and walked back to my car, I cried both times.  They were so small, and they were setting out on such a big adventure.  It never crossed my mind that, on any given day, I might not be able to pick them up in the line of cars, but would have to go to the medical examiner to retrieve them.

That someone the same age as my younger child could walk into a school and shoot 6 and 7 year-olds over and over again defies reason.  That parents had to wait after getting that horrifying news, that those babies were still lying where they fell and they could not get to them, is something my heart cannot bear.

It is 11:57 PM, I have taken SEVEN Klonopin, and sleep is not in sight.  That is double the dose I am supposed to take.  I'd take more, but that seems a little dangerous, and I am so awake now, I doubt it would help.

I am angry, and I am in pain, and I want to lash out at people in my anger, and I want them to hurt like I hurt.  Because they don't seem to care right now.  My son and I had a SCREAMING telephone call this afternoon, and I'm willing to bet when it was over, he went back to playing video games or whatever he was doing and never gave it a second thought.

My daughter spent all day in her room, until friends came to take her our for pizza.  We've said maybe 8 words all day.  I've got plenty of things I could yell at her.

Why am I so angry?  Where is this consuming rage coming from?  I just want to smack everybody down.  I'm being cruel to our pets, I'm throwing things --- I don't have any control.

I lost my mind once this year.  Is it happening again, only in a different way?

The Panic, It Devours Me

When I am having a particularly bad depressive day, or in this exact situation, several in a row, the feeling that lives inside me is that I am being torn to shreds.  Thoughts hurt, clothing is a nuisance, the sadness has depth, breadth and width.

These are the days that make The End (as in the righting of the ship) seem impossible to see, much less imagine.

I see people who care enough to get dressed, go out, keep their heads up, look others in the eye, talk, and I want to SCREAM at them "HEY! I'M DYING HERE!  And no one cares." I used to have my mother to pray for me --- now I'm not sure I even know anyone who prays.  My children are dealing with issues of their own (though they weigh exponentially on me), plus neither is of an age where anyone's world matters but their own.

I am sitting on this couch right now wondering how I will make it through the next ten minutes.  That's what my life is some days.  How am I going to make it through?  Why should I try?  Nothing interests me.  Nothing inspires me.  There are no conversations to be had.  There is no energy to be creative or proactive.  I just sit.  Sit on the edge of panic.  My throat closes and my heart races and I cannot take a breath and I'm going to faint and please don't let me faint and I break out in a cold sweat and I just want to now why this is still happening to me after all these years.  I've gone through therapies, I've gone through medications, and I have never been so low, so despondent in my life.  Nothing --- God help me, sometimes not even my children --- gives me reason to stay conscious anymore.

And yet, I keep waking up every morning.  And my first thought is always the same: "I hate my life."

And the Winners Are:

For the Inaugural Knitters' Chick contest:

Dame Maggie Smith.

Never in doubt, really --- at least not to me.  From the first round, people were loving her.  And who can blame them? Lorette nominated Dame Maggie, and will be receiving the Knitters' Chick Grand Prize. Bridget nominated runner-up Meryl Streep, and will be receiving the Runner-Up Prize.

If you are interested, the final vote count was 69% for Smith, 31% for Streep.

And the 2012 Knitters' Hunk, coming from way behind earlier in the day is

Liam Neeson.

I had honestly thought Benedict Cumberbatch was going to win --- his margins of victory were always so big.  But the Liam Lovers among you came through, most of all Camille, who has won the Grand Prize.*  The runner-up package goes to, would you believe it, Lorette! She sure knows how to pick 'em!  Final margin: Neeson 55%. Cumberbatch 45%.

So, the reigns of Maggie and Liam begin, and we'll all meet again here next year to start all over!  Thank you SO, SO much everybody!


*Edited to add: Briana also nominated Liam, but sloppy record-keeping on my part didn't give her credit.  That being the case, I'm going to forego my usual tie-breaker, and send her a Grand Prize package, too.  Sorry, Briana!!

Crown!

The time is here!  Choose your favorites to reign over Knitterdom for the next year!  Winners will be announced tonight after 9 PM Eastern.  Thank you all SO much for your enthusiastic involvement and support.

GO!

Elect!

Edited to add: The results of these contests have been removed on purpose.  In case anyone wasn't keeping up with these races today, the Finalists will be a surprise on Monday!  Have a great weekend!

Alright, folks.  Gut check time.  Down to the last four contestants in both Knitters' Chick and Knitters' Hunk.  Today's winners will vie for the titles come Monday.  And, the winners of the nominators' prizes will be announced!  Vote your heart and your knitterly intuition. . .

Pair Ninety-One

Pair Ninety-Two

Pair Ninety-Three

Pair Ninety-Four

Support!

Nearer and nearer the end of the contests grow.  Are you nervous?  Frightened?  Intimidated?  Sad?  Well, I certainly hope you're able to vote, because there are still some blank lines on the brackets that need filling in.  Your decisions here will fill out the Knitters' Chick Final Four;  today's  victors will join Maggie Smith and Rachel McAdams.

Your votes for the men will fill out the Knitters' Hunk Final Four, winners joining Stephen Colbert and Benedict Cumberbatch.  Which means the Semifinals are tomorrow, and the 2012 Knitters' Hunk and Knitters' Chick will be elected Monday!

Pair Eighty-Seven

Pair Eighty-Eight

Pair Eighty-Nine

Pair Ninety

Determine!

Liam Neeson, Stephen Colbert and Alan Rickman won yesterday, and are, therefore, in the Quarterfinals.  The tie between Jeremy Irons and Tom Selleck was broken, and the victor there gets right back into the action today to fill out the Final Eight.   In other pairs:

Pair Seventy-Seven

Pair Seventy-Eight

Pair Seventy-Nine

Pair Eighty

Opt!

So far, the men's quarterfinalists are Benedict Cumberbatch, Colin Firth, Robert Downey, Jr. and Nathan Fillion.  We'll get three more today, then, once the Irons/Selleck tie is broken, the eighth one will be very near indeed.

Hope you all had a really nice weekend.  All rested and ready to express your opinions?

Pair Seventy-Three

Pair Seventy-Four

Pair Seventy-Five

Pair Seventy-Six

Judge!

I hope you all are having as much fun with this as me.  I say that at some point every year, probably, but I do mean it.  Your comments are terrific, and your options are getting more difficult, wouldn't you say?

We aren't quite down to the final eight women in Knitters' Chick.  There were eleven votes cast for both Rashida Jones and Emma Watson, so we'll be revisiting them again soon,too.  Waiting for them in the Quarterfinals are Rachel McAdams, Anne Hathaway, Maggie Smith, Samantha Bee, Meryl Streep, Gillian Anderson and Rachel Maddow.  If you nominated any of them, you are still in the running for the Chick Grand Prize.

Remember, no voting over the weekend.

Now.  On to today:

Pair Sixty-Nine

Pair Seventy

Pair Seventy-One

+

Pair Seventy-Two

Hurry!

Closer and closer we move to The Round of 16 for the men, and The Quarterfinals for the women.  More and more difficult the decisions become.  This is always the most intriguing part for me.

Victors yesterday were Aidan Quinn, Rob Lowe, Daniel Craig and Maggie Smith.  Your match-ups for today:

Pair Sixty-One

Pair Sixty-Two

Pair Sixty-Three

Pair Sixty-Four