Friday, November 9, 2012

Now

As of this exact moment: 7:37 PM on the 9th of November, 2012, I care about absolutely nothing.

I have kept myself drugged since Wednesday so that I could sleep.  I took my daughter to work, I went to my second therapy session, but then I slept.  In the last 72 hours, I've seen my daughter for approximately 6 minutes.

I don't care.  I don't want to care.  What has caring done for me these last 2 years?  News from Tennessee is that we may be close to signing the sale papers on the house.  So?  Just another trip up there, just more guilt, just more pain.  It will all be over, but it will never end.

One week ago today, my mother died.  The first year is hard, because you're forever being reminded of where you had been, or what you had seen, or what you had said or laughed about during that last year. Will the passing of the anniversary make a difference in me?  I don't know.  I don't remember any big changes the year after my husband died.  Or my Daddy.

I've given up even trying to look or act normal, for my children or for the world.  I just don't care.  I really just don't.

1 comment:

  1. Dear sweet Kim

    I have been there twice....I know this is the worst kind of pain. Keep taking your medications. Im praying for you Im sending you a hug. Hang on to the fact that Depresson is CUREABLE. really it is .....
    I am on top of my game...and 2 years ago I was in that awful lightless hole......
    others know your pain. THere ought to be more out there for when you are so down. In my mind IM bringing your daughter dinner, Im letting you be and letting you rest because I know you are so tired and tired of it all.
    THe meds work.....they need time but they work.
    love
    kathy b

    ReplyDelete

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