Thursday, June 12, 2014

So Tired

I've been in therapy quite a long time.  I did take a break, as my first (and magnificent) therapist thought that I had done enough good work to let me go.  Notice, the word "well" isn't in there.  I never felt "well," just "better."

The therapist I've been working with the last few years has had me at, arguably, the deepest points of my depression, but her willingness to work with me has never flagged.  And in the last month or so, we have dug down to some ugly bedrock issues.  

I had a session today, in which we went down into the trench again, and I am emotionally, and, therefore, physically, spent.  It really is easier to be sad --- to mope along and not put forth the true effort you have to to get over yourself.  It's also less frightening.  And embarrassing.  And painful.

Today I realized how long I've been living my life on eggshells while, at the same time, trying to carry the expectations/fears/selfishness/anger/guilt/immaturity of a lot of people on my shoulders.
I am so tired.

Thankfully, there are words like sluice to bring me small bits of relief.

3 comments:

  1. Kim, such hard work. I pray for some peace to come your way very soon

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hard physical labor builds stronger bodies, but only after the aches and pains fade. Does hard mental and psychological work do the same for our psyche and temperament and personality? I'm pretty sure it does. Keeping you in my thoughts, Kim.

    ReplyDelete
  3. How about amanuensis? Does that help?

    Therapy is hard hard hard.

    ReplyDelete

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