I'm trying to let Hannah have grieving space but also checking up on her occasionally to make sure she isn't over the edge. She came completely unglued Tuesday night, blaming herself for not doing enough, for not being there when Klunk died, and every other irrational, illogical thought you have when you are wounded and confused and so desperately sad.
It all happened quickly. Within half an hour of giving him his nightly dose of medications, his breathing sounded ragged, and Hannah knew he needed to get to the doctor. The coronavirus protocol at the offices is for staff members to come to cars and pick up the animals, while the owners wait in the parking lot. Then the doctor calls to let you know what's going on. That night, the calls went from bad to worse. Eventually, Hannah wasn't able to talk to them, so I navigated the last hour and a half or so. He had had to be sedated for something they did, so at least he wasn't aware of what was going on, wasn't suffering at the end.
Yesterday was my day to cry. Today's been my day to have the after-all-the-crisis-has-passed -and-after-doing-all-that-crying headache. Hannah sounds a very tiny little bit better, but even that comes and goes. She still blames herself. She still wonders why any of it had to happen, why her life just can't go "right" "for once." There's not a lot you can say to things like that. You just have to listen. And trust that The Universe will hold her tight. Softly, but tight.
4 comments:
Oh sweetie. This is all awful. God bless all of you. And even if people think it is trite or doesn't really do anything, all of you are in my thoughts and prayers. Take care. xoxoxo
I am so, so sorry for your loss. And to not be able to be right there just makes it so much more difficult. Sending you all love.
It will take time.
Oh Kim. I wish I could help. When Bear Bear died of FIP last year it was at the worst possible time in Zach's life. He immediately got a tattoo, his first, of Bear and felt better. I cannot stand to walk by the place where zach wanted his ashes buried in our woods. The tears from Spall of us went on and on. HE was so young. So sweet. So whipped away from us. Oh Im so sorry Kim. It took Zach until Spring to come upon a friend with kittens....and now Bo is his second dear cat. FIP is a later condition from corona virus in kittens. I secretly hope that Zach is protected from COVID because he lived with Bear Bear shedding the virus. Its magical thinking on my part, but I know the small pox vaccine came from black milking maids, who milked cows. They were slaves. The cows had cowpox and the slaves never came down with small pox because of the similarity. It is from these women that the original vaccine derived. I just listened to a great podcast on Sphinx cats as therapy cats.....anyhow. I AM SO SORRY
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