Most bloggers don't blog because their lives are so busy. I haven't been blogging lately because there is nothing going on in my life.
I sit on my bed day and night, watching movies on my laptop, knitting, playing computer games. I get up to take out the dogs, get something to drink or get Hannah to or from someplace.
But my experiences slowly flattened and blended together until it became obvious that there's a huge difference between not giving a fuck and not being able to give a fuck. Which leads to horrible, soul-decaying boredom. I tried to get out more, but most fun activities just left me existentially confused or frustrated with my inability to enjoy them. it's not really negativity or sadness anymore, it's more just this detached, meaningless fog where you can't feel anything about anything — even the things you love, even fun things — and you're horribly bored and lonely It isn't always something you can fight back against with hope. It isn't even something — it's nothing. And you can't combat nothing. You can't fill it up. You can't cover it. It's just there, pulling the meaning out of everything. It's a strange moment when you realize that you don't want to be alive anymore
I haven't reached the rainbow ending yet.