Monday, November 5, 2012

Anger

My last week has been spent in a knot of fury.  I'm mad because this is not how my life is supposed to be.  I'm mad that I can't seem to do anything about it.  I'm mad that other people in my same situation are moving forward, and I'm still stuck here in Unemploymentland

I'm mad that I'm mad.  I'm mad that my depression continues to deepen.  I'm mad that I can only meet with my therapist once a week, and then I almost literally crawl through the next 6 days until I can see her again.  I'm mad that settling my mother's estate is taking so long.  I'm mad thinking about what I did wrong in trying to get it settled.  I'm mad that I didn't bring more things back from the house.  I'm mad because I know she's mad that I didn't do better.

I'm mad that I can't sleep all the time, because that is the only reprieve I have.  I'm mad that my children both seem to be having a hard time grasping the concept of "growing up and establishing your own life."  I'm mad because I didn't make them learn those lessons.  I"m mad my career is over.  I'm mad that I'll have to try and patchwork part-time, seasonal jobs together for the next 30 years to keep myself housed and fed.  I'm mad that I've been trying in every way I know for the last 2 years to find work, and I haven't.  I mad that no one will even, it appears, look twice at the application of a 50+ woman.

I'm mad that I'm giving up.  I'm mad that I don't have any, ANY, joy/happiness/fun/cheer each day.  I'm mad that I don't see any, ANY, coming my way.  I'm mad because my head hurts all the time.  I'm mad because I don't care.  About anything.

1 comment:

  1. i am praying for you. I really am. You will be able to help others through their darkest hours as you know the depth of despair. Im so very sorry you are going through all this.
    YOu will get through this. Writing about it can be helpful and iM glad you are able to TALK to us this way.

    ReplyDelete

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