Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Unwound

Somehow, and my mother and I had several conversations about it, my parents instilled self-confidence in me.  She didn't remember any specific plan or goal, but all my life, I have believed in myself.  The message got through somehow, and it stuck.

Until these last couple of years, as my rock-bottom and rock-bottom-er depression have led to me question my coping skills.  And discussions in therapy and at home have uncovered issues which have utterly knocked the pins out from under my morale.  It seems I have committed massive mistakes, was apparently blind to issues that were going on with my children which have caused each of them tremendous pain.  And lack of self-confidence.

So what do I do?  Heal myself first, I suppose, though the mom drive is urging me to take care of them instead.  But one of them doesn't want to discuss any deep, serious issues (blocking all useful things that might be done), and the other won't talk about anything personal until I get back into better shape.

Life is in catastrophic shambles right now.  And that self-confidence that I had for 40+ years has abandoned me completely.

3 comments:

  1. Man. I wish I had even one wee word of wisdom for this. H and B will figure it out...yes?

    ReplyDelete
  2. We are not intended to be perfect parents.....we are real people , fallible,

    Stay in therapy, stay on your meds, stay the course...
    good days will come again. Children are forgiving....

    I pray for peace for you today

    ReplyDelete
  3. I always hear "If you don't take care of yourself, you'll be no good to anyone else." Those words are true, if only time would wait for us to play catch-up.

    Hugs and Love, my friend.

    ReplyDelete

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